on trials and tribulations
The last few years have been a real eye-opener for me, revealing some harsh truths about what it means to grow up. After struggling through almost three years of college, I’ve reluctantly accepted that sometimes the only silver lining is a fleeting glimpse of positivity, and the best thing to do is just to give up and move on. Despite my best efforts, I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m not good enough, no matter how hard I try. To those around me, I may seem like a person who never gives up, but in reality, I’m just clinging onto the last shreds of hope that I’ll be able to survive this unforgiving world.
As a Christian, I was told that God would always be by my side and that He would never fail me. But now, as I face one hardship after another, I can’t help but feel like God has abandoned me. Despite my desperate attempts to hold onto my faith, I can feel it slipping away from me with each passing day. It’s like I’m drowning, and God is nowhere to be found. To make matters worse, the guilt of not being a “good enough” Christian is weighing heavily on my conscience, making me feel even more alone and helpless in this cruel world.
I just can’t fathom what’s going on in my life. The pain and sorrow seem to be unending, and just when I think I’m finally getting a grip on things, another obstacle appears. Recently, I had to let go of an incredible internship opportunity due to circumstances beyond my control. And now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my aspirations to be a Mahasiswa Berprestasi or an IISMA awardee went down on drain. People always say that failure is a necessary step on the path to success, but I can’t help wondering what God’s intentions are. Why does He keep putting me through these trials and tribulations?
One of my friends often asserts that God allows us to experience suffering as a way of nudging us toward greater dependence on Him. He believes that without suffering, humans would become too self-reliant and forget about God altogether. However, the more I reflect on this, the more I find myself questioning whether suffering truly brings us closer to God. Instead of feeling more connected to Him, I find myself plagued with doubts and uncertainty. As a Christian, I know that suffering is an inevitable part of life and that it’s not my place to question God’s authority. But sometimes it all feels like too much to bear. I long for the excitement and joy that comes with looking forward to good things in life, but right now everything seems bleak and hopeless. It’s as if I’m stuck in a dark place with no way out.
Being alone in this situation only adds to my distress. I’ve tried to seek comfort from both family and friends, but I often feel like they don’t truly understand what I’m going through. While I know they care about me, my mind can’t help but entertain thoughts that they’re only my friends out of convenience and not genuine affection. Sometimes I even catch myself imagining my own funeral, and I’m filled with dread at the thought of those whom I consider close and dear not being there. Perhaps they’re too busy or simply don’t care enough. The fear of being alone and abandoned is overwhelming, and it causes me to withdraw from those around me. I feel lost and adrift, with no clear path forward.
There are times when I contemplate ending my life as a way to escape the pain, but even that thought doesn’t bring me peace. The fear of what comes after death lingers in the back of my mind, making it difficult to find solace. Right now, I have no expectations or hopes, as the mere thought of hope fills me with anxiety knowing that it often leads to disappointment. I hoped that writing this down would provide me with a sense of calmness, but unfortunately, it hasn’t helped at all. Despite my efforts to find a solution, nothing seems to alleviate my suffering. I’m lost and directionless, just aimlessly drifting through life without any sense of purpose or belonging.
Or maybe life is meant to be a suffering and I can only persevere (again) until the end and hope that good things will come along. We’ll see, i guess.
